Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
