Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize