I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize