omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
