I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
