i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
