Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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