I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize