My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
