You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
