This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
