Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
