I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
