The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
