things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What a dumb baby whore.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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