Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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