the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
