Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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