Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
