He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
