If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
