I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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