I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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