Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
