i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
