She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
