mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I touched a dick in church today
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
