we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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