ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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