There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
