Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
