You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He uses pillows to masturbate.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
