Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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