I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
