I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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