I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
