I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
