Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
