Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
