I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
