She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize