I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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