I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh god it's open bar.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
