if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
