I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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