Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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