Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
