Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
