Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
