Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
