i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
