omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
