I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize