3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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