My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize