i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
