Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize