dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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