I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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