they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
