you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
