youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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