It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
