One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
