If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
