Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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