tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize