I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
